I was 2 yrs old when my dad left my mom. We lived in St. Louis,never seen my dad much when i was little. He moved to KC. My mom was a traveling sales woman, she worked for Morris paint co. She was gone most of the time. We were at the babysitters weeks on end, day and night. We were in foster care for awhile. When i say we i'm talking about my 2 older brothers and i. Ican remember the arch being built, they were just starting to build malls around the states. My brothers went to catholic schools, we went to church 3 days a week and twice on sunday. We were being raised as catholics. I don't really know what happened, I remember seeing my mom get beat by her boss on numerious occassions i guess she just got tired of it. It was in 67 we moved to KCMO. Lived on 13 and paseo very bad part of town, blacks everywhere. I was scared to go to school even, we lived there in my great grandmothers apt building.My gram and gramps lived ther with my uncles we were very close in them days. We were still there when the racial riots started when Martin Luther King got killed. We were under marshall law, that meant had to be in your house doors and windows closed and locked. The national guard was there,and it was shoot first ask questions later. Tanks, soldiers marching down the road gun shots all around and all hours of the night.It was not a good place be at the time and it still isn't. Some things don't change. Little kids carring weapons to school. It was a rough time. It wasn't to long after the riots started we moved to the suburbs called sunflower village,its not there any more.It was closed to Desotso KS.It was very nice out there. There wasn't alot of houses or anything like that.Had a school. That's where my night mare begins.I was 7 years old when my step dad started molesting me. It went on for years.Tried telling my mom she didn't want to here it. I know she knew it was going on because she even offered me to him one night. I hated her ever since. What kind of mother would do something like that to her 7year old daughter. A sick bitch!!!!

The year is 1969 my little sister is born, so ibecame a mother then because she was my responsible. I had to feed her bathe her before i even went to school. She didn't even know mom,I was her mom.she got hurt needed something I took care of her. and we are still very close today. My stepfather is still molesting me once a week. Like i said it went on for years. Just got more frequent.The man could die and i would spit on him as he fell, for doing that to me.70/71 it was all the same.My little brother was born in 71 so now i have 2 kids.Trying to raise them and myself. it was then my stepfather started beating me. The very first time I ran away I was 10. I felt safer on the streets, and i was gone for 3 weeks. At that time i honestly didn't think they cared except they had to take care of their own kids. Heaven for bid they do that. It was much after that we moved to olathe. Things were really different there.Ha!!! Eventually my mother did through him out and divorced him. But it was nothing to do with me.

It's the years 72-74 moms single working nights.It seems like i'm taking care of everyone now. I'm 12 years old now, and  I can't take it no more, I start drinking. Do you realize how easy it is to get someone to buy alcohol for you. Mom is so wrapped up in mom she don't even see it. I'm doing it right in front of her. She was going out at night getting drunk, bringing different men home all the time. I didn't understand it then, but I do now. I'm what they call a binge drinker, and for those of you that don't know what that is, I can go months without drinking,but when i start I can't stop. And I mat drink days or weeks without stopping. I'm in junior high and I meet two other kids my age. They whined up being my best friends for the next 7 years. Michelle,danny and I become very close friends. When you seen one of us, you seen all three. The next 7 years I had some fun.Well what i called fun then. We went roller skating,concerts triping on acid, drinking all the time at this point, and i mean all the time. I didn't care what time it was. I HAD TO HAVE A DRINK. We party hard! We didn't want nothing that was going to bring us down. The year 75 I don't remember it at all. I know I was having fun. Michelle and danny are getting very close at this time. It is so cute to watch them. They know may past, I could tell them anything. So they know why there is no boy by my side. Then along came Johnny, he worked with my oldest brother. Nice looking man had the gift of gab. We kinda through glances at each other and went on. I meet him again about a year and a half later. His wife just got killed  in an armed robbery, left a little baby girl without a mother. I'm 16 now and he is 29. Michelle and danny both tried to talk me out of it. But nooooo I wouldn't listen. I married him oct 23, 1978, he's got a three year old baby girl, that I take and raise as my own.She needed a mama.By this time mom is here in Green Castle, she meet a man and married him and moved here.*(YEE HAW). Most boring place i've ever seen in my life. Michelle and danny I don't see them as much now'but we're still close. I was michelles maid of honar. Which was a privledge. Her and Danny get married on jan 31,1981. Shes pregnant but they really do love each other. You can see it in their eyes. Michelle wants me in the delivery room with her. I can do this,Danny didn't think he could do it. Everything is going just fine. I cut the embilocil cord then i'm holding this beautiful baby girl in my arms. My best friends baby girl.Then Michelle started bleeding real bad. Within seconds she bleed to death, right there in front of me. There was nothing i could do to help her. Danny is just outside the door, I know he can hear all the commotion. The hardest thing i ever did was walk out that door with his baby in my arms. He knew by the look on my face she was gone,Michelle died on june 13,1981 at 7:56a.m. Six months later Danny asked me to quite coming around because he couldn't stand seeing me without her. So i lost my 2 best friends that day. I always let danny know where i was if he ever needed anything. Ironically he showed up at our door one day and left Amanda with me. I raised her for 2 years before he came and got her. He was pretty FUCKED UP IN THE HEAD at that time. I haven't seen them since he picked her up.

          Well i'm going to back up here a couple of years.I got married in oct of 78 to a man that was 13 years older than me. It was a very abusive relationship. The minute i said I do, it was a whole different world. Everything was really good at the start. Very loving and caring man....NOT.....He would come home drunk. Would get upset at the bar and take it out on me. And he went to the bar every night to get paid for working that day. He got paid cash everyday.At first it was just getting slapped around every now and then. As time went on it was worse and worse every time.One of the worse episodes was 1 night he came home in one of the worse moods i have ever seen. There was no talking to him,he came in swinging, broke my nose went to the kitchen grabbed a knife put it to my throat and told me to do what he said and i wouldn't get hurt.I was scared to death.He tied me down to the bed ripped my clothes off and sodomized me. I screamed and pleaded for him to stop.he just wouldn't here of it. About a month later i tried to leave him.Went to my dads house and that didn't work out the best.He waited for my dad to go to work and he showed up drunk had a 410 shotgun with a 3" mag in it put it to my head.He told me if i didn't come home i was dead.I grabbed the barrel of the gun,(all i knew is if i was going to die i wasn't going down without a fight)everything was like slow motion i was being slung around the dining room.I thought he shot me,there was blood all over my dads house. He backed me up into a corner i couldn't see at this point from the blood, I dropped my hands and told him to shoot me and put me out my misery. Thats when he finally came to his senses tried to hug me. All i could do was shove him away and he just kept trying to hug me. As it turned out somewhere in the struggle i got hit with the butt of the gun and split my head open. I knew then i was stuck with him.we were married 13 yrs, and things just got worse i've had oak coffee tables broken across my back. I've had my nose broke so many times if it gets broke again i'll have to have surgey because it won't heal,5 broken ribs skull fracture bruises beyond belief.Wore pancake makeup to work to cover the bruises.He's shot holes in the wall beside my head, has thrown knives at me.We were married about 9 years and one of his biker buddies told me how to break him from abusing me. One night i tried it. He came home his normal self beat the hell out of me,turned his back, wrong thing to do,I grabbed a baseball bat and started swinging. Didn't want to kill him but wanted to hurt him. And i did! Broke his arm messed his handsome face up broke a couple ribs and he didn't raise a hand to me for along time. By this time his daughter from a previous marriage is 13 i thought o no more baby sitters that maybe we could get closer and do more things together.Well that didn't work either I WAS PREGNANT. And he swore up and down it wasn't his.I just had to be fooling around. All his friends told him that he was an idiot for thinking that.The saying is he who accuses is guility himself.And boy was he guility.I don't have enough fingers and toes to count the extra curricular activities he had.Some were suppose to be my friends.Well friends like that i didn't need enemies.Still sitting home taking care of my step daughter pregnant just wishing something would happen to him before he beat me to death.I didn't think i was going to see 30. He called home late one night got picked up and thrown in jail, wanted me to come bail him out.I go down there to do just that and he comes out and tells me to bail his girlfriend out as well.My heart dropped to the floor right there.What balls this man has.I turned around and looked at the officer and said keep him and walked out.I paid for that one.Almost lost my baby he beat me so bad for embarassing him.I embarassed him.Levi was born nov 1, 1988 and nothing changed.He would go get a pack ciggs and i might see him a week or so later. Never heard from him didn't know if he was dead or alive,but i didn't care i had some peace while he was gone.Levi was probably a couple months old 2 detectives came to the house looking for johnny they said he raped some girl.Johnny had the gift of gab, didn't have to rape no girl.He was arrested and yes he did have sex with this girl. I don't know who the girl is he supposed to of raped until court and i knew her.It was my step sister on my dads side.I sat there and listened to her testimony and i knew he did rape her.Things she was saying was things he had done to me and nobody knew.Levi was alittle over a year old when johnny got sentenced.He was sentenced 4-12 years in prison.And low and behold i was pregnant again.Couldn't have been worse timing.So here i am with his teenage daughter a baby and pregnant.But that day the weight of the world was lifted of my shoulders. A miracle in disguise. Not to many people want to hire a pregnant woman. I started babysitting made some good money doing it.Paid the bills.Everything is finally starting to settle down, Johnny's in prison,I'm keeping the family together but his mom is driving me crazy the world does not revolve around him and she thought it did.Tried to get a divorce couldn't do that because i was pregnant.Had to wait 6 months after the baby is born.And still trying to run my life.He knew he had brain washed me had me convinced i couldn't make it without him. MIckie was born may 21, 1990 moved out of KC in april of 91 and divorced him in dec of 91. FREE AT LAST 

          Now I know your wondering why i never had Johnny arrested for rape. Well back then they hadn't passed the law where you could get your spouse for rape. So yes he got away with it. But in time everything we do in life will come back to hunt us in the end. Wether its good or bad. I went 13 yrs not talking to my mother,we had alot of issuses to try and get worked out. Took quite awhile to get through it all,but we did and we are actually close now. I don't hold my mom responsible for what happened to me. I wish she would have done things differently, but thats neither here nor there. I understand what was going on in her life at the time. Being abused herself. And I know there is no excuse for it, and not making any for her. I'm just saying i understand. And the time i went not talking to her I feel bad about, At the time I didn't need her anymore, so I thought.

        In april of 91 I moved to Green Castle MO, lived with my sister and her husband until i got a place of my own. didn't take long at all either about a month. Mandy decided to stay in KC with her grandma, Johnny's daughter from a previous marriage. So it was Mickie, Levi and I on our on for the first time. Scared never done that before. But i was close to family .That helped me out alot just being close. Got a job and started living for the first time and it was so nice not having all the commotion everyday. Living like a normal human being. And it is so nice. I know its not going to be easy but i have to do it. I have 2 babies depending on me no other choice I have to make it.

         The year is 1993 I get a better paying job working as a bartender in milan mo. i really like the job just not enough hours. So I take another job as well, waiting tables at a bar and grill on the square in milan.I figured 2 part time jobs equaled 1 full time job. I was working 14 days straight before I got 1 day off. Liked what i was doing but getting really tired,no time for nothing. Terry the owner of the bar and grill offered me full time and i took it. So now i'm working 6 days straight to get 1 day off. When i first started there, fights every night,it was a night mare. The cliential did not like me because i was from Green Castle, Milan and Green Castle did not get along at all. So I had to earn their respect which was not easy. Eventually i did, we got the fighting stop, that took a good year. Things were finally going good for Terry she got her divorce met a nice man and i had 2 best friends. We worked hard and played harder. I was the only waitress at nights because no one else wanted it. Then it was right around spring of 94 they started building a processing plant had all kinds of different construction crews coming in and business started booming.I was taking care of 150 people everynight and making some good money. Then one day this welder came in and i had to take a second look. Should be a law for a man to look that damn good. We got to talking and he was only going to be there for 2 weeks.i was alright with that I knew upfront.Well our first date we just talked because it was the wrong time of the month for me.TIMING......Well we had a second date and we were together everyday from that point on.His 2 weeks turned into 3 months and i feel hard,so did he. Time came when the job there was done and had to move on.Ricky meant the world to me. He put me on a pedastal and i felt like a princess. He called everyday for 2 months then 1 day he just quit calling. Broke my heart. Terry and I got a 12 pack and went cruising and talked and cried I was hurting and she knew it. That 3 months we were together I wouldn't have missed it for the world. And it still has a special lace in my heart. One night it was slow at work not alot going on any where Low and behold guess who walked through the door Ricky with a dozen roses. All i could do was hug him and kiss him and cry. I didn't think I would see him ever again. I knew where i stood then. He still traveled with his job. And we may go months without seeing each other but we talked everyday. I knew how to get ahold of no matter what time of day. I always knew where he was. And when he was home we cherished the time we had together.Because he may only be there a week or two then be gone.I could live with that. My kids loved him he was the closes thing to a father they had and he loved it. One night He called me at work and told me he got hurt already had surgery. And I was pissed because Lane his boss never called me and told me what happen.And he knew we were together.So 3 days later I got Rob my brother-in-law to go with me to Forest MS to pick him up and drive his car back so i could take care of him. He almost lost his foot nasty looking. Well that was our down fall, he got hooked on the pain pills. Had to have surgery again on it and it still isn't right and never will be.From the pain pills to cocaine to crystal meth he was doing it and like a dummy I started doing it as well. BAD DEAL...... Things went down hill from there.When we would be crashing he was mean used me for a punching bag, me i just wanted to be left alone.You figure we were up 3-4 days straight don't mess with me.This went on for aproxiamately 3 yrs atleast 4 times a week we were using.One day when we were crashing he started getting rough and he punched me in the eye and before i could stop myself i punched him in the mouth and knocked out his 4 front teeth. I felt so bad and right there i was done.I did not want that life anymore and moved out 2 weeks later got clean and i've been clean for 10 yrs now. I tried to go on with my life but he was stalking me.everywhere i went I would find notes on my car i come home he would be there waiting for me. Everywhere I went he was close.I couldn't take it no more,one day something snapped inside and all I wanted to do was die.I was tired of hurting I wasn't a very good mother at that time.I took 50 perocets and drank a 12 pack of beer I was tired of living.I knew my kids would be better off without me. I was found 10 hours later still alive. So I must be here for a reason. I put myself into treatment and i'm stronger now than i've ever been. I LOVE LIFE

       After I got through with my treatment I moved back to KC just to get away from Ricky. I knew at that point and time I wasn't strong enough to be around him. Starting over again. K C wasn't so bad I lived there most of my life. We got a house and i got a manager job making real good money. Worked there about a year . This guy started coming in once a week, noticed him checking me out, so I started talking him. We started dating everything is wonderful he didn't drink or do drugs just as sweet as could be. He liked my kids and they liked him. We got married June 17,2000. Bought a home thought life was going to be good. He had a good job and so did I. First couple months was good. He had no kids of his own,having a hard time adjusting to a ready made family. He knew I couldn't have anymore kids and was fine with that. Well he decided he wanted kids of his own. So thats when the trouble started, mine couldn't do anything right no matter how hard they tried.Levi couldn't mow the yard right,its like man get over it, your not having to do it. The way i look at it everyone pulls they're weight. He wasn't working so he needed to pick up some slack at home.It wasn't going to hurt him. Then I started having female problems, when I started I would go for weeks stop for a week and start again. This went on for months been to one dr to another dr trying to get someone to listen to me.Well I was working one of them shifts, got off at 12:30 get home by 1 to bed by 3 knowing your not going to sleep. But still let my body rest, up at 6 and back to work by 7 and off at 5. Got home around 5:30 and he is just getting up out of bed. I was pissed. Demanded me to start dinner, haven't even got my shoes off yet. We were into it bad, and once again i heard that phraes get out of my house spit in my face.  Gone the next day moved back to Green Castle. Stayed with my mom until i got a job and place of my own. It wasn't long i was in my own place.Randy decided  he wanted to move with me and try and make it work. I really wanted it to. Well i get into a surgeon to disguss my options, finally found one that would listen to me. I had to have a bioupsy talk about hurt had to lay there for an hour afterwards to make sure i didn't pass out. Couldn't drive for a couple days and it made me start bleeding again. So everything came back alright no signs of cancer. Surgery is schedulefor april of 2002. The kids wanted to go with me and Randy was furious because i let them and my mom was there.He thought he was the only one suppose to be there. The nurses told him he needed to knock it off or the were going to give him a shot to calm him down. All he was doing was upsetting me . I have surgery, a complete hysterectomy.Everything about me changes at that point. I go home the next day. To a nightmare,constantly complaining because i;m sleeping and he was having to take care of things. He is still not working.I was home a week when he decided he was going to rough me up. From being slung around I pulled 3 of the staples out. Then he told me I was no longer a woman.  All i could say was get out.Well that didn't work. So I managed to grab the car keys and drove to my sisters house. My brother-in-law and his brother went to take care of business but he was gone. The kids and I went back home about 4 days later.And we noticed he took some things that didn't belong to him. He took some of my kids stuff.What an ass.He even took my sapphire and diamond pendant and earrings, and to this day still haven't got them back. I filed for divorce had to run an ad in the paper for a month since I didn't have an address on him. He was calling me all the time though but wouldn't give me his address.I got tired of him calling me so I told him to talk to my lawyer I had nothing else to say to him, and I changed my number. Well needless to say he showed up in court  made a fool out of himself i actually felt sorry for him. The judge even called him an idiot. We were divorced on august 6,2001. So he came to the house and brought his girlfriend with him to get the rest of his things. The way he was acting in court the deputy's wanted to be there when he picked it up.It bothered me for just a couple minutes then it passed. So I have all his stuff outside so he can load it and get down the road. One of the deputy's told him to shut up or leave so he got the rest of his stuff and left. After the deputys left he showed back up. Didn't get out of the truck but started hollaring and cussing me fliped me the bird. Then the chicken shit left. Haven't seen him since that day.

              Well i'm back to going to work and go home back to my hum drum life. So we start having bomb fires every saturday night unless it's raining. The kids think i'm lonely so they talk me into getting on some of these dating sites. Not so bad atleast u can screen them before u meet them, and there is some strange ones out there. I would hate to meet some of these guys on the street. Some really scared me and that was online. Then i started really talking to this one guy online. He's a writer, writes poetry.And is good at it. He used to come to the house and watch movies. We would talk for hours. Then one night he showed up at my door about 2 am. Really surprised me. So i let him in, we start talking and 1 thing lead to another and we made love. big mistake. He wouldn't talk to me for weeks. And that really hurt my feelings. I felt like he used me. He finally contacted me and we talked we both know it shouldn't have happen but it did. We finally worked through it and are very good friends. We talk ever couple of weeks now. He's got 2 books published now and fixing to have a third one coming out after the first of the year. And i couldn't be happier for him. And he is still looking for a girl friend. He just hasn't found the right girl yet. But i'm sure he will someday. He has moved now closer to his family. And with his health thats good. Then i start talking to this one guy but he wanted to talkon the phone. He gave me his number Which was the wrong number.So i got back into the dating site and left him a message and left him my number. He started calling me seemed nice enough no harm done. So we started talking everyday on the phone never wanted to talk online. I thought i wanted to meet him so he flew me out here to colorado. First time i ever flew, scared the piss out of me. There was alot of turbalance that plane just shook and one time my butt came up 6" of the seat I was I'm going to die. Finally got to Denver and still had to take a commuter flight to Alamosa. And where do they seat me, I look out the window and there's a propeller right there. By the time I got to Alamosa i was sick white as a ghost. Didn't enjoy either flight at all. I'm not a frequent flyer at all and don't want to be. So now i'm in south fork. Very beautiful here the mountains still have snow caps.Never seen anything like it before in my life. I fell in love with the mountains. The wild life out here, have deer in the yard. Certain places u can go and see elk, moose its just amazing. And i'm not talking 1 or 2 i'm talking herds. Theres coyotes, wolves, mountain lions.I've always wanted to live in a place like this. So i stay for a week and go back home. The flight back wasn't so bad, I actually enjoyed it, didn't get sick at all. And flying over Kansas city at night was absolutely beautiful with all the lights. I'm waiting for my bag to come up the conveyor belt and it breaks down. It took me an hour to get my bag they had to bring it up the elevator. Then i still had a 3 hour drive home. My mom and daughter came and picked me up. So we talked alot on the way home. And had a 3 hr drive so had time to kill. So i decided i was going to move there. I've begin to think it was a mistake to move here. I take that back i know it was. The mountains are very beautiful but theres no jobs out here. If it wasn't for that i probably wouldn't think about moving back. But i've known i was moving back in sept. Didn't say anything to anyone about it  though. But now everyone knows and their happy about it. I'm leaving here the 18 of jan to go home and start looking for a job and a house. Then i started talking to this guy on here from back home. He lives in the same place i was thinking about moving to. And we talk for hours on here everyday. Have really gotten to know him as much as you can on here. But i do believe i found my best friend. And i plan on meeting him and spending some time with him to find out for sure. I think this is going to be the best thing that ever happened to me. I'm not going to let him slip away from me. I think i really like him. He has stirred up some feelings i haven't had in a very long time, and i love it. And he says he feels the same as i do. I believe him. I don't feel like he would lie to me about this.We can talk about everything and anything. And i like that alot being so comfortable talking to him. And he is a true man, even pays his child support have to respect that. That wasn't a luxury i ever had. I took care of mine on my own. Just can't wait to get back to mo. I miss being home. Being this far away from my son is so hard for me. He needs me more right now than he ever has. My son got into trouble with the law and is looking to do 14 years and that is breaking my heart. They should be setting a trial date here real soon. Don't know if i'm looking forward to getting this over or not. I'm planning to move back to mo in case he gets probation i will be there to help him through it all. My daughter and i are leaving here on the 18 of jan to go home. I"m going to look for a job and a house for us. Going to be gone about a month and hopefully find a job more than anything, but doing both will be just great. I'm not planning on moving back to where we came from but close to there. I want to get my son out of that area. Try to give him a fresh start. Then there is my friend in mo. I can't get him off my mind now no matter how hard i try. And he does know more about me than most people do that has known me all my life. And that is because we do talk so much. I know alot about him as well. When we started talking it was just to pass the time and i got hooked on him big time. And he did me as well. The funny thing is who would of dreamed me with a biker dude. And he is like no one I have ever talked to before. And I love talking to him. And miss him when we don't talk. We do have some very sweet conversations. We talk about our kids, different relationships,everything. It is really cool to have someone you can actually talk to about everything and not pass judgement on me. Well we have our first date planned now, and its going to be sweet. We have so many things we want to do together. And places we want to see together. Everything we talk about now its us. And we have so much in common, its scary i've never had this much in common with someone before. Could this be an omen. Could this truly be mr right this time. I do know I don't want to rush in to anything and neither does he. But then i think its to late for us, we already care for each other. We have things we want to say to each other but has to be said face to face. And that definately scares me, having these feelings and never meeting each other.I t can only get better when we meet. I do know the first thing i'm going to do is kiss him.You can tell alot from a kiss. And looking so forward to that first kiss, first time i feel his arms around me. Feel his body next to mine, that is going to be so sweet. I just need to get my feelings sorted out. Figure out what it really is that i'm feeling. I don't want to make another mistake. and this is all happening on the computer. It does scare me meeting him but in a good way. Hes not the jealous type and neither am i. If i have to be jealous i have no business being with him. And thats a simple fact. My friend and i are getting very close now. I'm leaving for mo in 5 days now,and can't wait to get there. I've got so much going on right now that theres days I don't know which way i'm going. But i haven't felt this way in a very long time and it feels really good to know i can feel something again.I just want to get out of here as soon as i can, I want to go home. Really been missing everyone there especially since i've set a date that i'm going. My sons trial starts on the 7th of feb. and that really scares me not knowing what is going to happen there. But i'm going to be there for him and let him know no matter what i will always love him. I miss him alot and being this far away makes it even worse. Soon we will be together again though.I leave here on thursday mornin and will get there around 1am friday mornin. I'm going to enroll my daughter in school there friday afternoon so she can start mon morning. And no one knows that but her and I. So there all going to be surprised when i tell them. Happy but surprised. And I don't know if this is going to be happily ever after but for now I am happy. And if we keep going like this it can only get better.To find my best friend and my lover all in one what more can i ask for. When we're not talking i miss him termendously. I am so hooked on this guy. I get there fri mornin and going to meet him sat  for lunch and get to know him one on one finally. And i know this is all going to be good. He doesn't talk to me like other guys have, he is always respectful to me. It's always what i want and i keep telling him that it's up to him as well.